When speaking, I'm not speaking
When thinking, I'm not thinking
It’s all a dream
My mouth moves and words spill out,
as a faucet someone forgot to shutoff
I watch as your eyes gloss over
and drift onto another face
more desired than mine
More prettier than mine.
More whittier than mine.
More funnier than mine.
What’s mine anymore?
This hair I hide behind is mine,
these hard eyes are mine
But these words are not mine
Nor is this smile
When’s the last time I really smiled?
I don’t own these agreeable thoughts
Or these uncomfortable laughs
They’re not mine.
I can’t be remembered for these tight clothes
or sweaty palms
I’ve learned to be farthest from myself
to succumb to your thoughts and your humor
As I mindlessly babble on,
It feels as though I’m inside skin too big
Inside my head
floating between the conscious and the subconscious
I watch myself moving my lips, speaking foreign nothingness
What am I saying?
Speaking into the oblivion of yet another vacant vessel
Words slowing down, becoming less audible
I scream at myself to stop…
I echo in my empty skin,
I’m too far to reach,
too far to listen
I finally stop and realize no one
was listening in the first place.
This feeling of discontent all too familiar
I cheated myself again
Sold myself for another me
A lesser of myself
Ignoring my truth, unvalidated yet by you
Who is this imposter,
Trying too hard to be
the right type of different,
on the lesser side of evil,
and the better side of wrong
I’m never enough,
because I’m saying your ideas
As I scramble for
A breath of courage
A taste of freedom from conformity
A notion of self acceptance
I come into my sight,
seeing your just as lost as I am.
And your intimidation floats away,
your voices quiet down,
and your piercing eyes get softer